Comparison Steals Your Joy
Reclaim your happiness and define success on your own terms
In a world that glorifies individual success, it’s not surprising that we sometimes view those around us as competitors, rather than potential allies. From the playground to the boardroom, we’re conditioned to compete fiercely for recognition, success, and the spotlight. Many have felt the weight of competitive expectations from a young age, a dynamic that often carries into adulthood. In this context, the pursuit of success can become a relentless race, overshadowing the value of community, collaboration, and support for one another.
We see this race in sports. The fierce competition means only one team gets to take home the championship trophy, which often leaves the opposing team and its fans feeling disappointed and sometimes even angry. It’s not uncommon for athletes to want to stand out among their peers in everything they do. Sophia Smith from Team USA Global Football said, "As a child, anything I did, I didn’t see a point unless I was doing it to win. That's still the case.” Los Angeles Lakers superstar and four-time NBA champion Lebron James said, “I feel confident because I’m the best player in the world. It’s simple.” But what if you aren’t the very best? We see this play out in our professional lives, where only a few people rise to the top while the rest fade into the background. When you're in the shadows, comparing yourself to your peers can make you want to scramble for a spot at the top, pushing you to work harder for success and recognition.
Unfortunately, success can feel like a zero-sum game, where one person’s win means someone else’s loss. Perhaps this makes it tough to fully celebrate the achievements of those around us. You might have experienced this yourself: Something incredible happens in your life, and as you share your excitement with someone you trust, you sense a shift. It’s as if they’re holding back, unable to match your enthusiasm, or worse, their response is lukewarm when you were hoping for their full support. Does that resonate with you? It’s even more disheartening when you’re met with outright criticism or a series of questions that feel less like curiosity and more like skepticism.
To better understand these feelings, I explored the concept of 'social comparison theory,' developed by American social psychologist, Leon Festingerm, in 1954. He hypothesized that people have an inherent need to evaluate themselves, and his theory suggests that we often struggle to judge our own beliefs, opinions, and abilities accurately. Instead, we rely on comparisons with others to understand where we stand. Typically, individuals compare themselves to those who are similar in aspects like age, gender, or occupation. Through these comparisons, they assess their progress, recognizing both their strengths and shortcomings. This explains why someone else’s success can stir feelings of insecurity, fear, resentment, or jealousy in others. Conversely, the theory suggests that when people compare themselves to the less fortunate, they may experience a boost in self-esteem and confidence.
Thinking about this more deeply made me curious about the complexity of our emotions, and I came across a concept that resonates across cultures and languages. The Germans call it Schadenfreude (harm-joy), the pleasure derived from the failure or humiliation of others. The Portuguese have a saying, 'Pepper in someone else’s eyes is refreshing,' while the Japanese express it as 'The misfortunes of others taste like honey.' The French refer to it as joie maligne and the Dutch use the term leedvermaak. This notion is hardly new; even 2,000 years ago, the Romans recognized it as malevolentia, while the Greeks labeled it epichairekakia, meaning 'to rejoice in another's disgrace.' These terms point to some of the deeper, darker truths about us as humans, revealing how our feelings about someone else’s success or failure can be complex and even deeply unsettling.
I believe this is exactly how and why any content that revolves around gossiping about celebrities, or even, regular people, flourishes - because it exploits the dark part of humans that find entertainment and joy in the misfortunes of others. A recent example of this is the controversy surrounding Diddy, which has dominated, I’m sure, all of our headlines and social media feeds. And while I don’t support Diddy and genuinely hope justice is served, this kind of coverage fuels our curiosity and highlights the unsettling reality that many people do, in fact, find pleasure in witnessing someone else’s downfall. Recognizing this tendency not only sheds light on a troubling aspect of human nature but also opens the door to a more compassionate way of engaging with the world around us.
Growing up, my parents always taught me not to look up or down, outward or around, a simple phrase, but one packed with a lot of wisdom. This teaching continues to shape how I navigate the world and encourages me to focus inward rather than measuring myself against the people around me. They emphasized the importance of character and community over competition. This foundation helped me develop the belief that everyone has the potential to achieve their own version of success. I can’t say I’ve always managed to look inward instead of around me — after all, I am human. Each time I've faltered, it’s been a reminder to realign with those values and focus on my own individual growth and journey. This requires ongoing effort and practice. What I can say is that having this principle deeply ingrained in me has certainly helped me stay grounded, and it’s something I hope and pray to pass on to my future children too.
Writing this has really made me pause and think about how I’ve shown up for the people I love. Looking back, I realize supporting my family, friends, and community has always been important to me. I don’t think I have hesitated to uplift or support those I care about. However, I do realize I don’t have it all figured out. If there has ever been a time when you felt I wasn’t fully there for you, I want you to know that I welcome a conversation.
Comparing ourselves to others is a complex phenomenon. Yet, we still have the agency to reshape our mindset and approach, opening up new possibilities for growth and connection with those around us. We can choose who we become each day, regardless of our past. We also have the power to decide how we show up for those around us, even if we’ve missed the mark before. So, the next time you feel that familiar pang of envy, fear, or inadequacy in response to someone else's success, I invite you to pause and ask yourself:
What steps can I take to transform this feeling into an opportunity for connection and celebration?
What stories am I telling myself about someone else's achievements (or misfortunes), and how can I rewrite them to cultivate a more supportive mindset for both them and myself?
Instead of feeling intimidated by someone else's success, what if I use it as a reminder of what's possible for me too?
After all, when one of us succeeds, it opens a door for us all. And just before you go, I want to share a song that’s been on repeat for me while writing this. It’s by one of my favorite artists, Johnnyswim, and it beautifully captures the essence of this conversation. A heartfelt thank you to one of my dear friends who introduced me to their music many years ago. I also want to express my gratitude to another friend who supported me through the process of digging deeper into my thoughts and feelings for this newsletter.
Join the conversation in the comments section and let’s unlock the good together.
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This article is so relatable! I love the quote from parents about never looking “up, down, outward, and around!” That’s so concise but so wise!
I find this line of thinking in relation to sports so fascinating because I have been an athlete my whole life, felt a childlike love for the art of sport. But as time wore on and competition and the possibility for sport to become “work” came into play, that love and curiosity began to fade just a bit. It became more of a race and competition against others rather than what I grew up on.