Most People Don't Know Who They Are
Redefining identity in a world that only sees what you do
If you couldn’t define yourself by what you do, who would you say you are?
Imagine a crisp winter night in New York City and you’re at a dinner party. The music hums in the background, and someone asks the inevitable, “What do you do?” It is the default icebreaker, almost automatic. But what if you couldn’t use your job or your title to answer? What if, instead, you had to answer the question with what you love, what inspires you, or what lights you up.
For many of us, that would be a very disarming proposition. We've come to build our sense of self on the foundation of what we do or even what we don’t do (Insert a quote here about 'living the soft life' and not needing to work a 9-to-5). Jobs, looks, achievements, even relationships become shorthand for our identity. It’s simple, socially acceptable, and efficient most of the time. But does it really capture who we are at our core? When someone asks, “What do you do?” it’s rarely malicious; it’s just the easiest way to size you up. But somewhere along the way, what we do seems to have eclipsed who we are in the headlines of our lives.
We’ve all been there. We measure ourselves against the usual benchmarks: job titles, bank balances, the curve of our hips, and the likes trickling in on Instagram. But let’s be honest here. None of that really says anything about who we actually are.
What happens when the job’s gone? When the money runs out, the glow fades, the relationship unravels, or the applause stops? If we strip away all the shiny markers, who is left?
There’s nothing wrong with taking pride in your work or accomplishments — we should absolutely celebrate those wins (Though, personally, I prefer the word grateful where we so often use, “proud”). But let’s be honest: they are just fragments of the whole. Strip away the job, the status, and the relationships. Who are you then? Are you the warmth that fills a room? The calm presence that makes people feel at ease? Maybe you’re the curious soul, always asking the questions that linger long after the conversation ends. Or the one who listens so deeply, you catch the things others miss. Perhaps you’re the steady doer — the grounded, reliable one everyone counts on to get things done.
These are some of the things that reveal the true core of who we are — our values, our quirks, our quiet strengths, and the way we move throughout the world. These are the threads that weave the story of us. Next time you meet someone, instead of asking, "What do you do?" What if you tried asking something more meaningful like:
What’s been lighting you up lately?
What are you curious about?
What’s something you're passionate about that others might not know?
These questions go beyond the surface and deeper into what makes someone who they are. And if you asked me who I am, beyond my job title or the work I do, I’d tell you this:
I’m someone who treasures calls with family, where no matter the distance, their love makes me feel at home. I’m always looking for ways to connect and bring people together. I’m someone who loves music and especially the concert experience. I love long walks without headphones, handwritten cards, and a burger with fries. I’m someone who tries to look for the good — in people, in moments, in the world. I find joy in occasionally baking things that make people happy.
That’s part of who I am and honestly? That’s far more interesting than what I do Monday through Friday, even though I think my job is pretty cool.
Who are you?
Join the conversation in the comments section
What lights you up from the inside, even on your toughest days? 🌟
What’s something that always feels like home to you? 🏡
What’s something you're passionate about that others might not know? 👀
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I love basking in the beauty and serenity of an early morning sunrise.
The duality of movement and stillness in any given moment as well as when I’m immersed in my bachata dance 🕺 practice fills me with a sense of connection unlike anything.
And in the words of my friend from this morning, I’m “a gem of a human” 🥹 Hearing, feeling, and seeing that I am impacting others by showing up as myself means to world.
Loved this. I’ve had a couple rude awakenings when I left certain corporate spaces and those really challenged me. I knew who I was, but it felt like no one else did. I vowed to not make work my identity anymore. Thanks for sharing and I’m def putting those questions in my pocket.